My Inquiry

 I've been thinking a lot about my inquiry topic since the great comments from my previous blog. There's SO much within the topic of mental health in our industry that it was hard to find a focus on one thing. I went back and looked at my module 1 essay where I wrote:

 ''Risk of suicide is elevated in the performing arts: 69% higher for women than the average and 20% higher for men’ (Berger, 2020). We work in an industry unlike any other, where it’s seen as normal not to work for months or face a great deal of rejection, where without a strong sense of self-worth we would all just break. It’s important that we start recognising this more and learn to see the warning signs in not only the people around us but also in ourselves. '

This is what I want to focus on, the normality of not working and rejection in an industry where we focus so much on the people in the shows, the people who have 'made it', when the reality is, unless you're in the top 2% of people who go from job to job, you'll have times in your career where you have to get by doing something other than your passion. I want to find out how this impacts our mental health. As I mentioned in my previous blog, we do this because we love it, because there is nothing else we could possibly imagine doing with our lives, therefore on this train of thought, the fact that we spend most of the time NOT doing it must have an impact and/or a toll on our mental health? 

This brings me to Covid times, where everyone in our industry has been forced to be in this same position, I wonder whether the impact for those already struggling has been greater or less than those who were in work before lockdown hit? 

I'm still a bit unsure of how specific or vague our inquiry needs to be, but I know this is the area I want to head towards with a title perhaps like The Impact on a performer's mental health during unavoidable gaps in Musical Theatre work. I'd love to know your thoughts on it!

A short but sweet blog today :)

Happy Valentine's Day <3

Literature Review

 Module 2, Module 2, Module 2-why do you hate me so?

- I call this a poem about Module 2 so far haha, i hope you enjoyed it!

I'm currently a bit stuck on my Literature Review so have taken to my blog to see if anyone else from my module or module 3, or even some crazy amazing module 1s could help shed some light on it.

I think the bit that I'm struggling with most is the 'different perspectives' on my topic. As my topic is to do with negative impacts on your mental health, it's very easy to find literature to support this, but I'm finding it a lot harder to find literature saying 'mental health is a myth' 'people are just getting weaker' all these different perspectives to my own. Someone made the brilliant point of looking up the 'Snowflake Generation' which I really love and really works with my inquiry, but then I come to another issue...

I read somewhere, probably in the handbook, that we should check our sources, ensure they're not bias or something along those lines. However, surely within this topic it is mostly all opinions and therefore all a bias? In regards to the 'Snowflake' topic, I found a few articles but they're published by the likes of the Daily Mail etc. so I don't know whether I can include it as it's one person's opinion, if you get what i mean? I really hope you do! 

I have however found a book called 'I Find That Offensive' - Fox, C, that seems to be just that! a reputable source with the opinion that we're all too sensitive! woohoo! BUT that's just one book and we apparently need AT LEAST 3 on each perspective? I wondered if anyone else had any ideas or suggestions on whether I'm thinking too much into this or ways round what I'm saying, if what I'm saying makes sense!!

A question for any module 3s out there, if you could please help me!? When writing your review I have a few questions that I've been told to blog about, to see if you can answer :)

So as we have in the literature review template a section of research methods, I assume we have to include this in our written essay on it? however then it makes me question the perspectives bit again, so do we have to write about 3 books (at least) on each research method that we find interesting, because it just seems like an awful lot to me to be done in 1000 words if i'm interested in say 3 research methods? or is that where I'm getting confused?

I'd also like to ask what the handbook means by an overview of the most established artists/scholars in my field, because I know for a fact that the most established artists in my field have not written anything on my topic and therefore aren't mentioned in my review :( 

Overall I'm very confused and I just need someone to cuddle me, stroke my head and tell me everything is going to be okay :'( 

But in every other way I'm doing good! 

Keep Smiling xx

Welcome to Module 2

 2 months break and we are FULL pelt back into more work than I think I even thought about for Module 1! I'm lucky in a sense that since doing my mod 1 essay I've known that I really want my inquiry to be based around the negative impacts on people's mental health in our industry. I now just need to read about and find specifically what area I want to focus on. The last couple of days I've really been thinking and I can't seem to make my thoughts clear so I thought I would put them on here to see if anyone else could assist me?

I think it's really interesting how singing and performing as a whole are used as ways to aid people in helping with their mental health. Singing has scientific proof that it releases endorphins in the brain etc. people who have been through troubled times use these mediums to bring about a more positive future. So why when it becomes a profession does it perhaps go against this? we all get into this industry for these exact reasons, because it brings us a joy no other thing can replace so why are there more and more cases of mental illness coming to light? There's an added pressure, the stakes are higher, you may not eat if you don't get this job. There's an uncertainty to our profession where we may not know when we next get to do what we love so much, we can't plan holidays incase we get a job or audition, we spend the money we do earn on extra training so what's left for a social life? For something we all undeniably adore why does it create such an unstable life? 

I want to explore the effects of this lifestyle and career that we choose and how it correlates to our wellbeing and mental health? is it really worth it? I think so. I think no matter what we go through that opportunity to perform is second to none. But then this brings out the question of people working for free and people being manipulated to do things they don't want to do because it may get them a job. But that's a WHOLE other story!

I just want to understand more about why something we love so passionately can also be the thing that causes the most anxiety, stress, depression, to name a few. (Sounds like a relationship now too) actually thinking of it as a relationship, it's because it means SO much to us. But i'm rambling now. 

I'd love to know any thoughts you all have on the splurge that I've written! or if you see a pattern in what I'm writing? 

Welcome back chaps!

Module 2 here we come...

 Presentation of Self

• I find this topic really interesting as it's something I've always thought about throughout growing up. I remember whilst at school noting that certain friends acted differently depending on the social group they were with or putting things online that didn't represent how I saw them as a person. It made me think a lot about myself as I wondered whether I also did this and just couldn't see it or whether my friends were making a conscious effort to change who they were. 

  I've always had a strong sense of myself and felt that I presented the same 'self' to all walks of life be that family, friends or professionals. However upon reflection I can see that although I still believe that to be true I did and do make small adjustments to fit the situation I'm in. For example I've never been one to swear profoundly but I would never use those words in front of my parents or professionals, however in front of my friends I would feel more comfortable. In modern times I would also never use any kind of swear word publicly online as I feel it would present me in a different way to how I am. 

  As a child I was painfully shy, wouldn't talk to anyone unless they spoke to me first. On some level I still have that shyness in me but I don't want that to show to other people. Therefore I create this persona of confidence and speak to new people until I'm comfortable enough that I can be myself. This shyness shows it's face mostly in new situations for example a new job. I find it daunting going into a job where social connections have already been formed. I feel like an outsider and I feel like I'm intruding. I will always remain professional but in terms of comfortable conversation, unless someone reaches out and speaks to me I really do struggle to put myself out there. What's interesting is in all my years of working no one has ever thought of me as shy. People often say how confident they find me. 

  Online is a whole other world and I believe that it should represent you again as you represent yourself in person. I, for example, love my dogs more than anything in the world. I talk about them to anyone who will give me the chance and that is copied in my personal online presence with photos of my dogs and updates and videos. In professional terms I believe it should still represent YOU but at you at your very best. I put on videos of my singing, quotes and support our industry with my professional social medias as I want to be seen as an active member of our industry. 

  As I've explored in my essay for this term I have found that my practice is entirely ME, it is discovering my authentic self, being present for my life and finding my voice. My practice cannot exist without me being un-apologetically me. I have always said in interviews that what makes me stand out from anyone else is my personality, anyone could do the job but no one could do the job the same as ME. This is my practice. Learning to love me for me so that I can bring that to everything. 

  I say all this as I've learnt it however it wasn't always the case and sometimes it still takes a lot to remember it. I often found that at auditions I didn't come across as myself because I was nervous and in my head. I found that the auditions where I felt most myself were the ones I did better in. 

  As mentioned in my essay Derren Brown talks a lot about story telling ‘We are, each of us, the product of the stories we tell ourselves.’ (Brown, 2016) He mentions how we are entirely built up on stories, 'I am not a good dancer' that's a story I used to tell myself because as a kid I was always at the back and my singing has always been what people were drawn to. However if I present myself as a bad dancer that is how people will see me. Therefore I chose to change this. I changed my story to 'I am a singer who dances.' this change in perception altered my confidence in my ability and as a bi-product, altered my actual ability. People started noticing my dancing as well as my singing. How we choose to present ourselves and the stories we tell ourselves and others matters. 

 Ethics in My Practice

Reading through the handbook it asked me to consider my day to day practice and my ethical experiences each day. Having thought a little about it, I find that there are a lot of ethical considerations in our industry.

 

Favouritism-

This first came about during Drama School where it seemed like the 'favourites' got the best opportunities. Now we're taught at 'normal' school that teachers should never have favourites and that everyone should be treated equally and fairly so they can reach their full potential. Is this any different at drama school? I'm not so sure it is. The premise of training is to get to you to be the best you can be ready for the industry. So with that in mind shouldn't everyone regardless of natural talent etc. get the same opportunities to shine and do their best? 

I think favouritism is also shown in the industry too, where the same people get picked to do jobs because they're liked by the casting team or by someone in charge. Is there a difference however here to when in training? Perhaps so, as these people had to graft, and got picked because they were the best at the job. They continue to get picked because they're known to be reliable at getting the job done. I do think however that if this were always the case no one new could ever enter the industry so there is definitely a time and a place for these favourites. 

“When we overlook the errors of people we like and favour. We are crippling the society, because others look up to them and are copying from them. They will copy also their errors. One day we will be complaining why things are like this.” 
― De philosopher DJ Kyos

Body Image-

This is something I think is very important and thankfully the industry seems to be changing for the better, but I remember a time not too long ago when this was a whole other story. I know of people in drama school who were told they were to 'big' for their casting type and therefore would have to lose weight to be considered for jobs. Now on the one hand, this is what we know of our industry, it is all about the way we look, however with the awareness that we now have on mental health, is it alright to tell a young person that they are essentially too fat? We are always told we need thick skins to be in this industry and i completely agree with that, but who is the say that Cosette in Les Miserable can't be a bigger girl? Where has this stereotype come from that thin is pretty and fat is 'funny' ? I have seen the industry come on leaps and bounds in this area in the past couple of years as there are lots more people speaking out about it. I myself had an audition once where the lady said to me "you're a size 10/12 I'd assume? if you get get to a size 10 by the time rehearsals start that would be great' Why would be dropping a dress size affect my ability to do the job? She obviously thought I was talented enough so what was the issue here? I know a girl who was refused the same job because she was 'too big' and refused to lose any weight. We are taught that this is just what's expected of our industry but why should it be expected? why shouldn't we strive for better? 

Live Simply Natural. 2020. Body Positive Quotes For Better Body Image - Live Simply Natural. [online] Available at: <https://www.livesimplynatural.com/body-positive-quotes-for-better-body-image/> [Accessed 19 October 2020].

Racism-

Thankfully I have never come across this in my practice. But I am more than aware of its existence. I don't believe people intend to be racist, I think it is something that has been built into our society and become unconscious bias' towards specific things. Whilst at Drama School I know of friends who were told to 'be more black' or that they weren't being 'black enough' I have learnt from them that this upset them at the time because black isn't something they could switch on or off, it is who they were, it is their culture and heritage. Who has the right to say how 'black' someone is ? No one. I was always told that I was blessed because of the colour of my skin as it meant I was open to playing a variety of roles. I was then also told that the colour of my skin limited me to certain roles. I wonder which is correct and why I should be limited because of the colour of my skin? If it is not relevant to the plot why would it matter? This is something else that I've seen a huge improvement with over the years. As with body image should your talent not surpass the way you look? 

Pay

Whilst TV and Film is one of the wealthiest industries out there, its counterpart, theatre, is one of the poorest. We are so lucky that we do what we love as a career, but does this come with a price? There are many people who are willing to work for free because they love what they do and on the flip side of that, there are many who are willing to not pay their actors because 'it's an experience' or 'credit' for them. Some people can't afford to pay their actors well as it's a small job with a small budget and without these smaller pieces of art, our industry would not exist. However, does that make it okay? would you ever expect any other professional to work for less than minimum wage ? We hear of Lawyers taking on the ODD job for free as it is something that means a lot to them, but they also get paid very well to begin with. If something is low paid/no pay but will help better your career then I can't argue that perhaps it may be worth it. It's a no answer loop, I believe, all actors deserve to get paid for what they have worked and trained and spent THOUSANDS of pounds for. However, our industry is a difficult one and if taking a low pay job means working with a specific director or casting team etc. then is it worth it? will it boost your career to have that networking opportunity? 

That's all for now folks!

Diary of a Performer xx 

 Audition

Today I was supposed to have an 'all day audition' IN PERSON, however due to Corona it was moved to Zoom. I auditioned once before via Zoom but it was on a much smaller scale and was just me singing. This was a WHOLE NEWWWW WORLDDD (a hundred thousand things to seeeeee...should i reference this?😶) We were first taught a routine and then had individual singing, so let me tell you about my day utilising Web 2.0 to do an audition! 

9:55am: I logged in ready to to start at 10am!

10:10am: I'm still waiting to be let in...

10:20am: We're let in an introduced to the team and see that we're on a Zoom with around 52 people! it was shortly after this that we had to take a short break as the team were having sound difficulties (Corona does not make it easy!) 

My first thoughts were how daunting it was to be online with this many people, of course on platforms such as Facebook and Twitter you are connected with thousands more, but in this let's say more intimate platform I felt a little bit lost in a crowd. This didn't phase me however as the team were great at picking out everyone individually.  

10:30am we started learning the routine, this was when my wifi started to glitch, meaning that I'd try to learn what she was doing but then it would skip ahead to where she was in real time meaning I'd missed some. FUN. Despite this I picked it up well. She taught it in 4 sections which allowed my brain to compartmentalise and learn the moves easier. Repetition also helps me by just going over the same bits again and again, specifically the moves which join the sections together as that's where I usually fall short. My pickup has always been NOT BAD but I really felt the difference here. After dancing online for most of lockdown I no longer felt a slight panic and trusted myself to just know the next moves and what this allowed for was my performance to heighten as I could think about what story I was telling instead of what move I should be doing, how refreshing.

The next major thing that happened was we had to all perform the dance SOLO due to the lag that occurs on Zoom from other people's devices. Can you imagine being in a room for a dance audition and them saying "Right now one at a time" my heart would have sank! HOWEVER I was safe behind my screen so it didn't feel as bad, what it also allowed me to do was believe in myself. Normally in auditions I worry that I'm copying the people in front of me and the minute I have to be at the front I won't know it. Forcing me to do it alone confirmed that I was doing a good job and knew what I was doing. 

1pm: My turn came round to dance. I did it PERFECTLY (if I do say so myself) I felt so good about it and the casting director seemed very happy! until he said that it looked great...from what he could see as it glitched a lot. 👍👍👍 I had to log off run downstairs, log into my Dad's laptop, connect an ethernet cable, bring it all upstairs and get back onto the Zoom. STRESS. I then went straight back into the dance and forgot it. I did it again and forgot it. He understood I was flustered and allowed me to take a breather before going again. Let's reflect on that. I was upset that he hadn't seen all of my great version. I was stressed that I had bad wifi as I wanted everything to be perfect. I was flustered from running round the house trying to sort it out, and I had come out of my 'audition mindset' meaning I was no longer focused on the routine. My breather helped me compose myself again and I did the routine again just fine. I think what I need to work on now is not allowing small knock backs affect me as much as they did. In terms of performance if I make a mistake I am usually fine at carrying on, but as it was something out of my control I hadn't prepared for it. 

3:15pm: I logged back on after a chilled break ready for my singing audition. Now here is (in my opinion) an upside to auditioning online. They were still in the middle of auditioning other people which meant I got to see the competition 😜 I enjoy this as it gives me an understanding as to where I feel I fit in with other people. Now I know you shouldn't compare yourself to other people but I don't use it as a judgemental thing or to psych myself out, I use it as a research opportunity, I could see what the casting director enjoyed, didn't like as much, what I personally felt worked well etc. I find it useful and encouraging. 

Normally in these situations this is where I start to get nervous, however as I was stood in my bathroom at home I felt quite calm. I was allowed to sing all of my songs and he gave me some direction to which he seemed happy with my response and I was asked to do the speech which not all were. So I felt very happy with how it went. 

With Corona Virus being so unpredictable at the moment I'm sure that I'll have to do many more auditions online. To which I am honestly fine with, I think there are a lot of positives that come from it, largely to do with confidence and being comfortable which allows you to be at your very best. But I do miss being in a room with other people and feeling their energy, and obviously not having to rely on a good internet connection. I think what is wonderful is web 2.0 has allowed our industry to continue in some format and give people those jobs and opportunities that we are all so craving for. 

Diary of a Performer xx 

 Learning Styles

Reading through the handbook I've come across Kolb's learning cycle which I came across often when I was at school but never put a name to it. It was always in a survey from the school to see how many of their students learnt better in different ways. I never really thought about it much at school but now, I think back to how I made my blog (something I'd never experienced before) I simply googled blogs using my already learnt knowledge of Google, and this site was the first available to me. It seemed quite familiar to me with easy to use tools as it looks like Microsoft Word which I've used often throughout my life, therefore I was able to manoeuvre through the site mostly with ease and publish my first blog. This, I believe is known as concrete experience, where I learnt best my simply just getting on and doing it.

 I find this pattern throughout different areas of my life. The most recent experience of this was at my new job where I was learning how to scan things into the system (thrilling I know.) She showed me what to do and what to fill out on the computer, did I take this in? absolutely not, I just nodded along. It wasn't until today when I had to do it for myself that I learnt what it actually was that I needed to do and that was by doing it myself and using what was familiar to me or what made the most sense, to work it out, and now I'll probably remember it forever!

Within my professional practice I noticed that I also learn best with concrete experience, most noticeable in learning lines. I can read my lines in my head over and over again and I will take them in eventually, but if I want to learn something quickly and accurately I simply have to get up, read it aloud and 'perform' it as best as I can and I find that this allows it to stick in my brain. 

Now I've discovered my best learning style I can use this going forward to learn things quicker and better.

What a delightful thing to learn on a Monday evening.

Diary of a Performer xx